Conversations with Dog
An uncommon serious parody
Book 1
by Nad Jacob Sean Rellum
Copyright Daniel Muller, September 1998
Introduction
You are about to have an extraordinary experience...again. You are about to have a conversation with my dog. Midnight is, I had thought, a very ordinary dog. Yes, smarter than most. At least dog smart, I had thought. You have been taught to think that is just not possible. You can talk to your dog, but she can’t talk back.
You may be right, it may not be possible. Nevertheless, I have to write down these conversations. I may get carted away to the local institution for medication and psychotherapy. But then again, look what happened to Neale. He got rich!
So I am willing to brave the naysayers. Call me a blasphemer, a guru, or--perhaps worse--a plagiarizer. These conversations happened to me. The truth is always evident when we are ready for it.
This book will not address all the questions we have ever asked about life. It will correct some mistakes that Neale made in his best selling book. It directly addresses sex...I hope to spend a lot of time on sex. Sorry folks, no photos or even line drawings. This book will also address the hereafter, paths, and roads well worn and less traveled, but none of them will lead to God. They sure won’t lead to the Devil either.
I have to apologize to Neale. I never met him, but, I really did like his books. I think he did a great job of trying to correct 2,000 years of misinformation. It is just that there is information from my conversations with my dog that needs to be published. Everyone who has read these words agree, all three of them. Most of all I have to thank Neale, because without his books, I never would have thought of this title. And, maybe my dog never would have started talking to me.
Perhaps when we are finished you will see the truth. Naked and untouched by human hand, or canine paws. Perhaps not.
The truth exists. You can find it in you. But, as you will see, no one can tell you the truth. You have to find it yourself.
I need to say now that I am--after reading the wisdom in this book--a lot less embarrassed by my own life. I have been having fun. I hope that you will have fun reading this little serious parody. In the end, having fun is what it is all about. I know that’s what we all need.
I’ll tell you about a few semi-serious “grown-up” responsibilities as well. But that’s just all part of the path.
Madison, Wisconsin
Rosh Hashanah 1998
1
In the fall of 1998--just before the high stress of the Jewish holidays--my dog started talking to me. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I was out on my backyard patio reading the New York Times book review and drinking a cup of ginger tea. I was noting that Neale’s book was still on the best seller list, for the past 91 weeks, in the non-fiction section, no less. Then I heard my nemesis. The woodpecker was starting to peck through the cedar siding of my house again. I picked up the dog’s tennis ball and lobbed it at the woodpecker. Then I heard...
Don’t do that.
I looked around and didn’t see anyone. My 10 year-old son was at Hebrew school. I looked for my 16 year-old son, but noted that it was 9:15 am. The 16 year-old would not be up for at least three more hours. I peeked around the trees, but, there were no neighbors in sight. I sat down again and picked up the paper.
Do you want to know why you shouldn’t do that?
I sprayed a mouthful of tea all over the paper and nearly fell off my chair. “Alright, who’s hiding?” I said out loud. Then I noticed that I didn’t hear any words out loud. I was hearing these words in my head. I’m going crazy, I thought to myself.
No, you are not going crazy.
Well if I’m not going crazy then why am I hearing this?
Because, I am talking to you.
OK. Who are you?
I’m sitting by the back door.
My dog is the only creature at the back door.
R--i--g--h--t!!!
My dog, currently staring at me with her big brown eyes and wagging her tail, is talking to me?
Well, talking is not the best term for what we are doing. We really are not using our vocal cords. I usually make barking or whining sounds when I’m talking to you. You make strange guttural vocalizations when you talk to me. We are really communicating by telepathy.
I don’t believe in telepathy.
That’s OK. You don’t have to believe in it to do it.
So why have you decided to talk to me after seven and a half years of living together?
Because you are ready.
What do you mean by that?
You have spent the last 30 years searching diligently for the truth. You have read half a library of books on religions of the world, the Kabbalah, Buddhism, Zen, the Tao, the Vendanta, western and eastern philosophies, Christian mysticism. You studied Aikido, Karate, meditated, and gave up alcohol. Still you are unsatisfied, unable to feel fulfilled in what you are doing. I’m here to help you find your way out of all that mess.
OK. Why today? Why just now?
What were you doing when you first heard me?
I was throwing your ball at the woodpecker.
No, just before that.
I was lamenting to myself that Neale’s book was still on the best seller list.
Yes, and you were jealous and you thought you had some better ideas than he.
I suppose so. That would be a good way to describe it. I thought there were some significant ideas missing or incorrect in his book. What were you telling me not to do, not throw your ball at the woodpecker?
No, you know I don’t really like to play fetch with that ball anyway. That woodpecker drives me crazy too. You know, you can put tin foil strips to keep him away. But, I digress. I was telling you not to lament Neale’s success. I want to help you write your own book.
Tin foil will keep the woodpecker away?
Listen. Forget the woodpecker. We have more important things to discuss. I’m here to help you put those ideas down on paper.
Paper?
Well, whatever. Go get your portable computer, it is the late 20th century. Neale was happy with yellow sheets of paper, you know.
Yes, but who do you think I would let type this stuff? The last thing I need is to have someone else reading my dialog with my dog. I don’t even like being on locked wards when I’m the physician. So where do we start? How about the big truths?
What big truths?
Look, are you going to be helpful or not?
I am being helpful. My job is to challenge everything you say. I’ll also help with writer’s block.
OK. Let us start with questioning what is truth.
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