Love, Lust, Sex, and All That

Anonymous wrote: “I think your comments about "have lots of sex" warrant a deeper discussion/explanation to be under the "Enlightened" rubric, please! i.e., are you specifically talking about satisfying animalistic urges, erotica, intimacy, touch, other? And/or I'd like to hear how having "not lots of sex" contributes to the decline of a conscious relationship. Are you saying that one cannot have conscious relations without sex, or just talking about life partnership/domestic partner/spouse relations? “

Let us set the stage first.  If you haven’t figured this out by now, I am a lustful person (yes, me and Jimmy Carter).   And I love women!  I am also absolutely monogamous. 

Being a 7 on the Enneagram, means I love to have fun.  So, I love to be in conversation with women.  Men are fine.  But, there is just something about women. 

Men are great at technical conversations.  Especially, my gun buddies.  We can go on for hours about different loads, bullets, twist rates, trajectory, ranges, fun stuff. 

Women, in general, are more emotionally relational.  They can be the source of probing deeply who we are, and learning about each other and ourselves in the process.  Emotional intimacy, without sex.  The women I know can talk technically as well, they are outdoors types so we talk about technical clothing and gear. 

I think it was Louis Black who said about his love for women, that they should all have beautiful butterflies flying around them at all times (he was a bit more crude about this). 

One interesting study using functional MRI showed that when men see an attractive woman, their brains light up in the same areas that light up if they snort cocaine.  So basically, when men see an attractive woman, it is like doing drugs.  Can be addictive too (think pornography).  And sex can be addictive as well.

My blogs on Conscious Relationship are mostly concerned with sexually intimate life partner relationship, or practicing for one.  Much of what I discussed is relevant to all relationships, just not the sex stuff. 

For me, monogamy is the only way to go through life.  My poor little brain would be much too confused by more than one sex partner at a time.  So, when I mention sex, translate that as “within monogamy.” 

Maybe when our society evolves to be at a much higher enlightened level we can be more like the Bonobos, and use sex as a communication tool with many individuals.  I don’t think our society is ready for that yet.  Some individuals and partners can do this successfully at a high level of personal evolution.  I think it is pretty rare.  Usually, it is really hedonistic sex with a lot of people. 

I agree completely that one can have a non-sexual, yet emotionally intimate, conscious relationship with any like-minded individual of either sex.  And that makes life much more full.  As Richo writes, you can only get 25% of what you need from that one other person that you choose as a life partner. 

And from what I observe, most women need other women friends for emotional intimacy.  Sometimes, it just is not so easy to get intimacy from their male partners.  I hope I do a better job than the average male.  You’ll have to ask my wife!

Over time, many life partner relationships do have a decline in sexuality.  Often it is due to illness, sometimes it is associated with aging, or even having kids and being too busy with a career.  Sometimes, it is just societal expectation that contributes to couples having less sex, sometimes it is due to a lack of intimate communication (see the movie “Hope Springs”). 

I think there is also a “use it or lose it,” with sex.  Sex helps keeps the vaginal walls moist and supple.  Lube helps as well. (see The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex).  Sex keeps the prostate healthy.  Orgasm releases oxytocin, the “relationship binding” hormone.  Interestingly, orgasm without emotional intimacy releases adrenaline-type hormones instead.   

Can there be conscious intimate life partner relationship without sex?  Of course!  Is it preferable?  Not for me!  But, it is possible and can be just as beautiful. 

Additionally, I think we all need touch.  Without sex. 

I hug all of my good friends male and female, my kids, and my parents.  Sometimes even my patients.  Hugs heal!  But, you gotta be a little more careful about hugging patients! 

I like my “animalistic urges.”  Part of being human is to enjoy being embodied.  But, we can transcend and include.  We enjoy our urges, while keeping people safe around us. 

Often we use our higher brain functions to make excuses for our primitive urges.  That is not transcending and including.   That is not acting from the Enlightened perspective.    

 If we define Enlightenment as acting within the flow of Source, then when we act aligned with Source, each act is perfect. 

Again, follow the 3 Commandments, in exact order:

            1-There is only one Source,

                        2-Love everything,

                                    3- Have fun. 

Within that Enlightenment rubric there is nothing sexual that is prohibited, as long as you don’t hurt anyone.  Does pornography hurt women?  That question is beyond today’s discussion.  But, if the answer is yes, then using pornography does not follow the 3 Commandments!

Otherwise, everything between 2 consenting adults is fair game.    

So, I hope I’ve answered Anonymous’ questions.  And remember, I am a guy, and I think about sex a lot.  So take everything that I say within that rubric. 

Oh, and have a lot of sex.