Conscious Relationship Part 4 – Negotiate Behavior and Learn How to Fight

 To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, “There can be no freedom without responsibility.”  Be honest, loyal, respectful.

As they say:  Show up, pay attention, tell the truth (as far as you can see it), don’t be attached to outcome (see yesterday on Attachment). 

Monogamy, finances, frequency of sex, all good topics for negotiation.  

Learn how to fight:

1- Remember that you love this person, be nice. 

2- Speak from the “I” not the “you.” 

Begin with statements like “I feel.”  For example “I feel angry when you leave your clothes all over the bedroom instead of placing them in the hamper.  I feel like the place is cluttered and dirty, so that is why I am picking up after you.” 

If someone discounts your feelings, it is time to leave. 

But, they are not obligated to change.  They may say back to you, “I like to live more loosely, it is too restrictive for me to always place my clothes immediately in the hamper.” 

Can you compromise on this?  Is this a “deal-breaker?”  Are you both so stuck that you can’t compromise?  Perhaps he or she can pick up their clothes once per day? 

They are obligated to respect you and listen to you. 

But, they don’t have to listen to you right this second.  They may need time to cool down, they may be flooded with emotion.  Negotiate a time for dialog. 

Negotiation is tricky.  Remember during dialoging that you both love each other.  It likely not possible be totally satisfied with everything about your partner.  

Finances may be the most argued topic.  One person’s frugality is another person’s label of being “cheap.”  Are you a spendthrift?  Do you go deeply in debt? 

Don’t hide your flaws from your partner.  They will find out someday.  If you don’t like something about yourself, get some therapy.  Become mindful. 

Have lots of sex.  Negotiate timing and frequency.  Err on the side of more rather than less.  Sex often is an indicator of a healthy relationship, but every couple has different needs and wants.  It is said that the frequency of sex increases with the number of males in the relationship.  Keep these in mind when negotiating. 

Ask your partner what they love to do, try doing this with them sometime!

Ask for what you want, love what you get. 

Know your bottom line.