I am interested in how we can live life to the fullest.
Often things go wrong.
People get ill or in trouble, a not so competent boss is hired, you
change and a relationship which was previously satisfactory, is no longer.
I’ve noted that you can have one big part of your life going
wrong and life can be OK. When two big
problems occur, life starts falling apart.
With three big problems looming, life is just about intolerable.
A former CEO of Coca-Cola, Brian Dyson, said at a
commencement address at Georgia Tech in 1996:
“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the
air. You name them, work, family,
health, friends, and spirit, and you are keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a
rubber ball; if you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls,
family, health, friends, and spirit, are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be
irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even, shattered. They will
never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.”
This was circulating recently on the Internet and used in
many books and blogs since.
Something seems amiss here to me, and being the curmudgeonly
heretic that I am I need to straighten them out.
I would divide the statement above quite differently.
I would first divide them into three relationships:
1-Your intimate life-partner
2-Family and Friends
3-My translation for work is, “your source of energy or
money for living.”
Not everyone has an intimate life-partner. Not everyone needs an intimate partner. I feel that an intimate partner can help us
grow. Sometimes this growth comes painfully,
yet, often with much joy (see my blogs on Conscious Relationship 1-5).
I put family and friends together. Perhaps blood is thicker than water. Yet, many people are not very close to their
families, and their friends are more their family. Sometimes they have no blood relatives. As I’ve outlined previously, the more highly
evolved you are, the larger the group you consider to be in your family.
Friends and family are clearly different from an intimate life-partner.
Having sex has the potential to change a relationship. I have heard that people can “hook-up,” without
adverse effects on their friendship, “friends with benefits.” I have heard that that 2 people can make love
for a while, perhaps testing the waters for a life-partnership, and then part
and continue that friendship at the highest level of radical acceptance. I just have not experienced that myself. Although, I should confess that I’ve not had
very many intimate partners. Yes you can
easily count them using only 2 hands.
Perhaps, I should also make clear that your designated
intimate life-partner may be present in your life in many forms, not always
requiring sex, not always monogamous.
Further, the designation of “life-partner” is a designation of a
trajectory. Right now they are your
life-partner, that may change in the future, for many possible reasons, and
then you may have a different life-partner, or none for a while.
Not everyone works some sort of job as their source of
energy or money for living. Some people
work the land and are off the grid. Some
have no use for money and only use barter.
Some people have trust funds, sometimes so much money that they don’t
even manage their own finances. Often
they do work anyway. Sometimes the trust
funds cripple them so that they really don’t accomplish much in life. Sometimes they are very unhappy. Why would they be unhappy?
Think about people who win the lottery, very few of them end
up happier than they were before winning.
That is where the “meaning in life” comes in. Some label this as spirituality. I also count in here growth and evolution as
well. I feel if you are not growing and
changing, then you are stuck, and likely not happy.
Spirituality, or meaning in life, flows across all 3 of
these relationships.
Perhaps those with some lower level of cognitive or
emotional intelligences can be happy without growth. I think most of us cannot. Perhaps being stuck seems a safer way to be,
growth can be painful. Be careful to
inquire whether this is truly a satisfaction with where you are right now, or
really a fear of growth?
An intimate partner can bring meaning in life.
Family and friends can bring meaning in life.
Often work brings meaning in life, if you are lucky, or have
chosen well. Or, perhaps, if you are
able hold any work as meaningful. That
is the highest way of being in the world.
Chop wood , carry water.
Additionally, just as an intimate life-partner can only
contribute at most 25% of what we need, perhaps the same is true of our work,
and pretty much everything.
Good physical health is not a requirement for
happiness. But, it doesn’t hurt. All of us have imperfect health to a smaller
or larger extent.
Each of these 3 relationships can be damaged and can shatter,
or can bounce.
The outcome is based on personality and personal
evolution. Think about how you cope with
adversity? If you feel you don’t cope
very well, then start practices to change that (now you have to read ALL of my
prior blogs).
Nothing can be shattered if you don’t let it be
shattered. We are very resilient
creatures. Yes, we are mortal. Our health can be in a terminal state. That does not preclude happiness, or
resilience
You may outgrow your intimate partner. Or, they might outgrow you.
You may lose family and friends to death, or also lose them to
different levels of growth, so that you can no longer feel close to them.
Your work may change, and you may change in relationship to
your work. You may find that you have a “day-job,”
a job that does not provide meaning in life.
You may have a hobby or avocation that provides that meaning for you. You may have a day-job so that you can move to
a better job in the future that carries more potential for providing meaning in
life.
Change is inevitable.
How you cope with change is what is important.
Practice for change.
---------------------------
To this end we contemplate a poem by Rumi:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
(Translated by Coleman Barks, from The Essential Rumi)
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