I originally wrote this as an outline for an informal discussion given with my wife with the married or partnered medical students who felt their relationships stressed by their training.
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A relationship with
another person is a wonderful and sacred dance.
It is often the source of our greatest pleasure, and our greatest
pain. It is easier to be a “monk on a
mountain.”
Relationships can be a
place to grow in ways impossible to do alone.
Relationships can also be a place to act out our damaged
childhoods.
Medical school, indeed any
training, places increased pressure on any relationship. Family responsibilities do as well.
Things we have learned (this is not a prescription, only
ideas to contemplate):
1 – Love yourself,
engage in self-growth. Find out who you
are, and what you want.
2 – Chemistry is not
enough (romantic love). Relationships
need time, together, without others.
3 –Accept your partner
completely (radical acceptance). Assume they will not
change. There are no “shoulds” that you
can demand from your partner. You can
love them without liking all of their behaviors or opinions. Be honest, don’t lie, or hide things. Your partner must be open to hearing it all
as well.
4 – Your partner is not
there to “complete” you, and you are not there to complete them. They are not
there to make you happy. They can only
supply perhaps 25% of what you might need.
Know what you need, what is your “bottom line.”
5 – Ask what is your
commitment to increasing your partner’s well being? Know what you are able to give. We all have limits. Talk and dialog, find out who you each are
and what you need. This is not a competition.
There are no rules that everything has to be equal. Ask for what you want, enjoy what you get.
6 – It is common to play
out left over dramas from your childhood.
That may be why you chose your partner, why you were so attracted to
them to begin with.
7 – Remember when you
“are in love” you are often experiencing the parts of yourself that you
love. This is projection. When you are angry with someone, ask yourself
what are you really angry about? Often
when you are angry, you are really rejecting an unwanted, hidden, part of
yourself.
8 – See the beauty in
yourself, see the beauty in your partner.
If you are together, you are perfect for each other. You have the perfect partner to learn what
you need to learn, right now. Sometimes
this learning can be painful. You might
be cooking on the same griddle. You
might be grinding away each other’s rough edges. Be committed to growing with each other. If you don’t work it out here, you may be
working it out with someone else.
9 – Usually there is
only “one fight.” Find out what that
main disagreement is. Find out where it
comes from. Remember, it is your own
problem, not your partner’s.
References:
Anand, Margo. 1995. The art of sexual magic.
Tarcher/Putnam, NY
Ideas for making your sexual relationship
part of your personal growth.
Aron, Elaine 2000. The highly sensitive person in love.
Broadway Books, NY
Highly sensitive people constitute 20% of
our population. Offers advice for living
within a relationship.
Ferrini, Paul.
1998. Creating a spiritual relationship. Heartways Press Geenfield, MA
A simple
wonderful book.
Hendrix, Harville.
1992. Keeping the love you
find. Pocket Books NY
An excellent
workbook for couples. Centers on finding
what are you trying to work out in your marriage to this specific
individual.
Hogan, Eve. 2000.
Intellectual foreplay. Questions for
lovers and lovers to be. Hunter House,
Alameda, CA
Useful to start a dialog. Particularly before you start to live together.
Kasl, Charlotte. 2001.
If the Buddha married. Penguin
Press, NY
Some good ideas.
Keirsey, David. 1998. Please understand me II: Temperament, character, intelligence. Prometheus Nemesis Book Company, Del Mar, CA
Uses the
Meyer-Briggs to help you understand your partner and others. Very useful.
Keyes, Ken. 1979.
A conscious person’s guide to relationships. Living Love Publications, Coos Bay, OR
A simple
book, easy read. Some jargon: i.e.,
“addictions.” But a great start.
Richo, David.
2002. How to be an adult in
relationship: The five keys to mindful loving.
Shambala, Boston
Talks about:
Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Allowing. The freedom to live in accordance with your
deepest wishes and needs. The enemies
are: Fear, Attachment, Control,
Entitlement.
Welwood, John. 2000.
Toward a psychology of awakening:
Buddhism, psychotherapy, and the path to personal and spiritual
transformation. Shambhala, Boston
Merges Buddhist philosophy with Western psychology and how these relate
to personal growth and relationship growth.
Addendum 05/23/2021:
Levine, Amir and Heller, Rachel S F. Attached. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find - and keep - love.
A must read, especially if you feel that your relationships are not working!
Non-attachment means holding your loved ones…
like
a butterfly in the palm of your hand…
Too tight and they are crushed…
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