I’ve felt vaguely down these past few weeks.
Nothing in particular.
Disliking my job.
Feeling annoyed at the little things I need to get
done. I really don’t like to “work.”
I am a Seven (on the Enneagram scale). I would rather play!
Feeling underpaid, unappreciated.
Car needs $3,000 worth of work, new tires, etc. Have to pay for some family visit
flights. Have to have the cabin stained,
$7,000. Feeling financially
stressed.
So what did I do?
Gave up alcohol for a few days. Ate a bit less. Dropped a few pounds, really need to drop 10
or more.
That would let me bike uphill a bit faster, when we finally
thaw out.
Got daily exercise.
Did some more outdoor exercise.
Meditated daily. Did
some shamanic journeying with my whale guide.
Played my guitar and uke a bit more often.
Got some work chores done, writing, completing silly online
safety questionnaires for work.
During a x-country ski this afternoon, the question became
clear.
Would I want to be anyone else?
The answer was completely clear: No!
I like being who I am, exactly where I am. In this moment.
Would I like to be doing less clinical work? Yes.
Would I like to be earning a bit more money? Yes!
Would I like a bit more security for the future? Of course!
But, who am I?
That is the question with no answer!
That is the ultimate koan.
I can say I am the embodiment of Source.
But, those words have no meaning.
Fingers pointing at the moon.
There is no “I.” That
is an illusion. Created by this animal
brain.
This brain-body that wants to survive. Dissatisfaction is built in.
We are always exactly where we need to be.
We will be somewhere else, we will be something else, in
this very next instant.
I am watching for the next doors that are available to this being
“I” label “myself.”
And “I” will walk through the next door “I” believe “I” am
choosing.
But, there really is no choosing, ultimately.
There is only the unfolding of Source.
“I” surrender to the ride.
Whoever that is surfing…
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